why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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