my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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