i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
