I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
