I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She needs sedatives and a leash
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
