Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
