I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
