I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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