i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
