Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
