I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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