ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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