john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
