so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize