overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.