I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If its not for food we ain't going out.