the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.