i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
PANTIES FOUND
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
