so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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