apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
