Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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