When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary