he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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