I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
