oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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