dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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