the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
