I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
