Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
