The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
