A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this beer tastes like vomit already
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
