We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
