This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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