There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
