Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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