Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
