I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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