grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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