I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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