Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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