Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
