Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
