I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
