Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
