While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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