I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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