I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
