Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
