If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
