At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
a search helicopter?!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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