Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
