meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
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