Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
