My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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