I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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