I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
