So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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