He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
