I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
