He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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