Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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