One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
